Hi yes hello it’s me your friendly Patch mate who says words about captains and things. Intros are hard and I’m short on time so let’s just do the thing with the saying words about captains and things.
ADELAIDE vs GEELONG
Adelaide Oval, Thursday, 7.20PM
Joel Selwood or Mitch Duncan will be your man in this match. Selwood is averaging 116 over his past five while Duncan is at 114. Both had 120s last week. Both are in the engine room while Ablett and Dangerfield float forward. Lock ’em in. If you’ve got Rory Sloane he might be worth a VC punt after re-signing but nah.
ST KILDA vs CARLTON
Etihad Stadium, Friday, 7.50PM
Hahahahahahahaha this is a Friday night game. Blockbuster. Kade Simpson is averaging 120 over his past five. Yes please. Averages 93 against them, which is a lot for Kade. He’d be a lock if it weren’t for a bloke by the name of Patrick Cripps. While this doesn’t strike me as a massively contested game, Corn Boy averages a lazy 135 against the Saints. Mhm. Yep. Yeah. One of them pls Paddy.
If you haven’t got one of them, I genuinely reckon Jack Billings or Jade Gresham are worthy of a smokie VC option. Not pulling your leg. Gresham has a three round average of 114 and… well, he’s playing Carlton. Billings’ last game against the Blues was a 136. Don’t you scoff at me.
HAWTHORN vs BRISBANE
University of Tasmania Stadium, Saturday, 1.50PM
Thomas Mitchell goes orright eh? Struggled against the Dogs, but I told you he would – he just doesn’t like them Doggies. Titch is more of a cat person, and whaddaya know, Lions are big old cats and he averages 115 against them. Nice little analogy, handy stat – KA-BLAMO, what more do ya want? Information about the ruck set-up might help, especially as Big Boy McEvoy is out for four weeks.
That means Stef Martin is an option – against a Sandi-less Freo he scored 142 on the road and is a chance to do it again. Really like him as a smokie VC option, but probably wouldn’t trust him with the C. Dayne Beams is also in blistering form and averages 110 against the Hawks, but I’m not feeling a 130 from him this week in Tassie.
Jack Gunston, Luke Bruest and James Siily are all as likely as each other to whack out a big score. Which one does? Who knows, I’m not game enough to go there.
MELBOURNE vs WESTERN BULLDOGS
MCG, Saturday, 4.35PM
Maxwell Gawn. No big Doggies ruck. Do I need say more?
GOLD COAST SUNS vs ESSENDON
Metricon Stadium, Saturday, 7.25PM
My boy Zachary Merrett is a really solid option here – 120 over his past three and a 106 average against the Suns. I reckon Devon Smith isn’t an option considering how many points he gets from tackles. Gold Coast will hardly have the ball and Dev can’t tackle that. There are no Gold Coast options. None.
GWS GIANTS vs RICHMOND
Spotless Stadium, Saturday, 7.25PM
The Giants have so many fantasy options, and none of them have been delivering recently. Josh Kelly has the best short-term averages here, with 113 and 116 over three and five rounds respectively. Does he go big here? I dunno.
Does The Nank build on his three round average of 108? I dunno.
Can Dustin Martin bite back? Yeah nah… aw maybe? Like I can’t rule it out? His last two home and away scores against them are 150 and 144, so maybe. Maybe. Embrace a little #yolo. Do it.
COLLINGWOOD vs WEST COAST
MCG, Sunday, 1.10PM
Can Brodie Grundy stand up to the might of Nic Naitanui? His past two scores of 125 and 116 suggest that he can, but maybe not enough for a captain-worthy score? I dunno, it’s tough to say that considering the year he’s having, but Nic Nat and Scott Lycett, combined with the Eagles’ midfield liable to shark his hitouts, makes me second-guess him.
I prefer an Andrew Gaff (three round average of 127), a Scott Pendlebury (3RA of 135) or Elliot Yeo (3RA of 116). Of those three, Elliot tend to No more than he Yo’s against the Pies, while Gaff only averages 77 against Collingwood. Meanwhile, old mate Scotty averages a lazy 117 against his friends in the west. That’s a big number, sign me up.
NORTH MELBOURNE vs SYDNEY
Etihad Stadium, Sunday, 3.20PM
Remember that time Buddy kicked 13 against the Roos? Wasn’t that a sight to behold? He scored 236 supercoach points that day, which is obviously his highest score against the Roos. However, he also has an 18 against Norf, which means his average against them is… well… average. With a three round average of 75 he can nope right outta this discussion.
One bloke who can stay in is Jake Lloyd. The guy I said would score badly last week before knocking out a 133. If you’ve got him (and I hope you do), he has a 3RA of 133 and has tonned up in his past three starts against the Roos. Hop on. Todd Goldstein and Josh P Kennedy are another two men in form and I advise you hop on. Shaun Higgins will have a tough one against the contested-heavy Swans. I’m not saying he’ll score badly, I just don’t trust him to whack it out of the park, despite his 115 3RA.
FREMANTLE vs PORT ADELAIDE
Optus Stadium, Sunday, 4.40PM
Lachie Neale and Justin Westhoff are the only two I’d look at here. Tom Rockliff hasn’t proven himself trustworthy enough for the C, Ollie Wines has been average over the past three and… I’m not even going to say his name. I refuse to. It starts with ‘C’ and ends in ‘had Wingard’. No. I refuse.
So, The Hoff only average 78 against the Dockers but without Sandilands he’ll rack up the points while number one ruck when Paddy Ryder is off the field and will accumulate regardless. Neale has a five round average of 108 and averages about the same against Port. He’ll be right without Sandi and Fyfe. I hope.
PATCH’S TOP FIVE
1. Max Gawn
2. Tom Mitchell
3. Patrick Cripps
4. Joel Selwood
5. Jake Lloyd
Smokie: Luke Bruest… is he a smokie? If he’s not allowed, then Todd ‘Goldmember’ Goldstein.