CAPTAIN McCAPTAINFACE Round 13
WHY. DOES. THURSDAY. NIGHT. FOOTY. EXIST.
It can f*&@ right off. Maybe it works in America. Maybe it works for the NRL, who have 12 people turn up to games each week and don’t care about crowds. But it does not work for AFL and definitely, absolutely not for Supercoachers.
We’ve got a bit over an hour between teams being dropped and the first bounce of the round. Of course, we can still trade anyone who isn’t from Port Adelaide and Richmond after that initial lockout, but you CANNOT reverse trades. Do not be caught in that trap.
I can’t quite put my hatred for Thursday footy into words, so this is what I’d do to the concept if it was personified in a small child.
Not pictured is me accidentally running over its dog with my car. Just replace the word “accidentally” with the word “repeatedly”, and “dog” with the word “son”.
RIGHT. On to captains.
PORT ADELAIDE vs WESTERN BULLDOGS
Motherf^[email protected] THURSDAY, 7.50PM, Adelaide Oval
Remember when I said I reckon Robbie Gray only averages 90 or 95 for the rest of the season, with some 50s and 60s and then some 130s and 140s? This is one of those weeks where we could see the latter against a side that is a rabble some weeks and a very good outfit some others. Robbie hasn’t tonned up in a month, mind you, so my VC is currently on Jack Macrae. I don’t reckon we see the 160s and 170s again this season but he’s shown time and time again he can do 130 regardless of the oppostition.
You could also consider Ollie Wines or The Bont if you have either of them, Wines in good form after last week’s mammoth effort and Lekdog’s wily selection of Bontempelli has three scores of 120 or more in his past four. However, chances are Tom Rockliff tags one of Macrae or Bont, ruining two scores for the night! Huzzah!
SYDNEY vs WEST COAST
Friday, 7.50PM, SCG
What a wonderful time slot. Man, this is MUCH better than Thursday, right? Ugh. Okay. Lance Franklin kicked a large number of goals against this mob in round one, he’s cheap, a lot of you are bringing him in, it’s got to be perfect, right? He’s coming off a 127, can the Eagles stop him? Let’s VC him and find out.
Otherwise, Isaac Heeney, or as I like to call him Is A Cheeney, in homage to the greatest full back of the era behind Liam Jones, Kyle Chene… damn it they’re spelt differently SCRAP THE JOKE. I repeat, THE JOKE HAS BEEN CALLED OFF. EVERYONE GET BACK TO WORK. Including you, Isaac, as long as you continue your run of four games in a row of tonning up.
Over in yellow, the Weagles have a few VC options as well, with Elliot Yeo at the top of that list. With a lot of people bringing him in this week, he’s only had two scores below 90, but that said only one score above 120. If you’re picking up Andrew Gaff this week he’s in a similar boat, but with more of a chance to go a bit bigger.
Are you brining in Josh J Kennedy? If so, why not continue that ABSOLUTE GODDAM ROLLERCOASTER you abolute MAD LAD and VC him? He kicked six against a paltry St Kilda missing lots of key defenders two weeks ago at home so I don’t see why he wouldn’t replicate the exact same thing over in Sydney. Go on, what have you got to lose, aside from rank, league matches, dignity, sanity, hair? Embrace the #YOLO*
*do not under any circumstances Embrace the #YOLO
CARLTON vs FREMANTLE
Saturday, 1.45PM, Etihad Stadium
Patrick Cripps or Nathaniel Fyfe. These are your two options. I’m going Fyfe, simply because I reckon he’s more of a chance to kick some goals over Cripps. Also I could never admit under any circumstances that Cripps is a good option because then Lekdog would win, and I can’t have that.
There are probably going to be 42 other players in this match, but for the purposes of captaincy options they don’t really exists … unless you pick up Ed Curnow this week? Maybe? But now I’ve mentioned him and brought him I will have jinxed him. Also Luke Ryan has a five round average of 121. Also Kade Simpson is okay at football. OKAY, okay, so there are more than two options. Fine. You win.
GOLD COAST vs ST KILDA
Saturday, 4.35PM, Metricon Stadium
HAWTHORN vs ADELAIDE
Saturday, 7.25, MCG
This match will be Shaun ‘Silk’ Burgoyne’s 350th game, and he’s not a captaincy option but gosh darn it if he isn’t one of my favourite players in the game. I hope he has 30 touches and kicks three, including one after the siren for the win. (Apologies, Barron.)
Whichever Crouch brother is playing and not injured is an option considering all of Adelaide’s midfielders are injured or on fire or injured or … man, there are a lot of them injured, aren’t there? If you’re bringing Jack Gunston in this week I’d probably give him a miss against his old side, and … look nah I’m not sold on any of the Hawks players.
If Rory Laird is back (please god let him be back) then he’s probably the number one option from this game.
EDIT: Tom Mitchell is a player that exists. He is also an excellent captaincy option because, you know, he’s good at football.
GEELONG vs RICHMOND
Sunday, 3.20PM, MCG
And yet it’s still a Geelong home gam… no, let’s not open that can of worms.
Will Dustin Martin be back from New Zealand? Probably not to be honest. I know Richmond said he would but I reckon he might still be enjoying ‘fush and chups weth his did’ over there. I know I would be. If he’s back … nah. He’s underdone, carrying a niggle, been out of the country. There’s a chance he’s mentally refreshed and right to go, but I’m not brave enough to trust that or foolish enough to suggest it’s a safe option.
Especially not when Patrick Dangerfield, Joel Selwood, Gary Ablett, Mitch Duncan and potentially even Tim Kelly are all better options on the other side. Poke a stick at that mob and one of them will deliver you a 115, although Dangerfield playing forward is irritating the hell out of me. I paid over $700k for… this?? A mobile full-forward with a moustache? I thought I shook Tex Walker last year.
Anyway, in order, Selwood, Duncan Gaz, Danger, Dusty, Kelly is my order of preference from this game.
PATCH’S TOP FIVE
1. Nat Fyfe
2. Definitely not Patrick Cripps… but maybe Cripps? (Please don’t tell Lek)
2.5. Tom Mitchell, that player that exists
3. Buddy Franklin
4. Jack Macrae
5. Joel Selwood.
STUPID SMOKIE: Jack Billings. I can see it now, Richo picks him and refuses to let him leave the forward 50. Saints dominate, and through sheer weight of numbers Billings kicks one goal and 21 behinds to score 103. He also might not get picked though.