MARGE, THE TRADES ARE ‘ERE!
Remember that classic McCain’s ad back in the day? In the middle of the parched outback, an old codger is looking out over desolate paddocks, desperate for rain. Suddenly – a drop on the roof, and another, and another. “MARGE,” he screams, excitedly, knowing they’ve needed rains for months upon months upon months.
As he runs screaming into the house, the camera pans up, two children eating juicy, crunchy McCain’s corn on the roof, causing big, fat drops of corn juice into trickinig this poor sod into thinking their livelihoods have been saved. “THE RAINS ARE ‘ERE,” we hear him cry gleefully.
That was me opening Supercoach this week, seeing three plump, juicy trades dripping down onto the corrugated iron roof of my side. “THE TRADES ARE ‘ERE,” I screamed, running into my side, only to find no-one there.
In that ad, we never see Marge. We only see the deluded rantings of a man desperate for rain. Think about it – he can see the sky is clear blue. He can see there are no clouds. He doesn’t see rain. He hears what he wants to be rain. This man is at the end of his wits. How can we even be sure Marge is still there? Did Marge even exist in the first place? Did she leave him for another man as life got too tough, the barren land too harsh to live on?
Similarly, in Supercoach (this metaphor is going somewhere, I think) our fields of points are barren. Our premiums are abandoning us. The false promise of trades is luring us in. We’re all going mad. I’m going mad, which you can clearly see from the four paragraphs of absolute drivel I’ve written above. Makes you glad Kev has taken over the Panic Room this season, doesn’t it? Remember how I did this every week in the Panic Room? Good ti-PATCH JUST STOP IT AND GET TO THE CAPTAINS. GOD.
PORT ADELAIDE vs RICHMOND
Friday, 7.40PM, Adelaide Oval
Could the real Dustin Martin please stand up? Where u @ fam? Dusty hasn’t put up a captain-worthy score since round FOUR (141 vs Brisbane), and you got the feeling if he was going to explode, it would be against the Dons on the big Dreamtime stage. Is he an excellent trade-in option? Absolutely. Is he a captaincy option? On current form, no. No he is not.
Only three players will be heading into this game with a five-round average of more than 100 – Trent Cotchin (110), Josh Caddy (107) and The Hoff (102). The Hoff is my pick from those three if I had to choose from them, but I’d probably go with Robbie Gray on the big stage from this game, despite his poor average of 78 against the Tigers.
GEELONG vs NORTH MELBOURNE
Saturday, 1.10PM, GMHBQLXWA Stadium
The Ben Jacobs tag has spluttered to a bit of a halt in recent weeks, with Nat Fyfe getting off the chain in the west and Dayne Zorko breaking it this week with a ton, so do we need to pay attention to who he goes to in the Geelong midfield? He has that much choice, with Patrick Dangerfield, Gary Ablett and Joel Selwood the big targets for the run-with role.
However, Mitch Duncan and even Tim Kelly or Sam Menegola are at risk of the tag, so I don’t even know where to start so I’m going to ignore it. Dangerfield might be the best bet here, as he’s projected for a 136, but I was projected for 2400 last week in Supercoach and we all know I damn well didn’t hit that, so I’ll take that with a grain of salt the size of Lekdog.
That said, the points may be spread too thin here to make it worth the VC option? I really don’t know, so I’m avoiding. If you’re brave enough to take the plunge, godspeed.
Also, Todd Goldstein is coming off a 123, so I dunno, yeah? I guess? If you wanna you can VC him against the lacklustre Geelong rucks? Maybe?
GWS vs GOLD COAST
Saturday, 4.35PM, Spotless Stadium
The Giants pulled out a gutsy win on the weekend over the Crows, but we didn’t see huge Supercoach output from anyone – only three tons and a top score of 111 by Callan Ward. Champion of the future Josh Kelly is working his way back into form after an extended period out, could this be the game he explodes? I mean it could, but you’d be brave to take the plunge.
Stephen Coniglio‘s last two against the Suns are 92 and 118, but had six shots on goal last week and spent a bit of time forward. He did also sit out a lot of the last quarter after a head knock, so he could be back and ready for a 120. Playing forward could be good news against the Suns anyway… assuming he does play with concussion.
Gold Coast don’t have anyone worth picking at this stage, let alone captaining.
ST KILDA vs SYDNEY
Saturday, 7.20PM, Etihad Stadium
A true Saturday night blockbuster. While the Saints have their tails up, this could get messy fast. Buddy Franklin could kick 12 against an undermanned Saints backline, while Isaac Heeney could also run riot. I don’t like the idea of captaining either of these two, but considering bye players are locked at the start of the last game, you can still use either of these blokes for a VC.
Is there anyone else worth captaining in this game? Maybe a Luke Parker? Scored 125 last week against the Blues with 21 touches and two goals, and could hit the scoreboard in a big way this week. Otherwise, there’s always Jack Billings.
BRISBANE vs ESSENDON
Sunday, 1.10PM, The Gabba
Essendon will lose this. Just watch us. We’ll be rubbish, and I’m very glad I’ll be working and unable to watch it. Dayne Beams has been sensational in the past few weeks and is a real valid option for the *checks notes* four of you who have him. Otherwise Zorko the Magnificent is another one who could have 30 and kick four if you’ve got him.
Zachary Merrett is finding a bit more form, but not enough to captain, and Michael Hurley is still finding his way back into the side. Otherwise the GOAT Shaun McKernan could kick 16 goals and score 946 points, but he could also score 16 points.
FREMANTLE vs ADELAIDE
Sunday, 2.40, Optus Stadium
Nathaniel Fyfe is absolutely the best selec… wait hang on, no. He’s suspended. Maybe Rory Laird as a capt… oh, wait, no he broke his hand last week and might be out. Let’s just look through Adelaide’s list for captaincy optio… oh no. Oh no. They’re ALL INJURED. Maybe Freo has some options?
Mmmmmm. Hmmmmm. Lachie Neale? Maybe? Yeah I guess, he’s okay. Hasn’t been in the best of form, but I mean someone’s got to score points. Will it be him? Will it be Michael Walters? Will it be Cam Ellis-Yolman? I dunno man, this sounds like a dumpster fire of a game from a Supercoach standpoint. Someone will score points but damned if I can tell who it will be.
MELBOURNE vs COLLINGWOOD
Monday, 3.20, MCG
This is the big one, this is it. Brodie Grundy or Maxwell Gawn? The clash of the titans – literally. Which one do we pick? Well, uh, maybe neither?
So the Gawn to Grundy VC/C option was fun while it lasted.
R23, 2017: Gawn 35 to Grundy 12 (SC: 67 to 123)
R12, 2016: Gawn 31 to Grundy 22 (SC: 119 to 88 )
R4, 2016: Gawn 37 to Grundy 25 (SC: 105 to 86)
Queen’s Birthday Monday. Best nail the VC before hand.#SuperCoach
— Jesse Caldera (@JesseDCaldera) June 3, 2018
This has probably swung me away from Gawn, but if I had Grundy I’d still go with him. He’s just very, very good and in incredible form. He’s had one game under 110. ONE.
I’m going to repeat that again. Brodie Grundy has one score under 110 for the season. For 11 rounds. Don’t even think about it.
For those of us without Grundy, we can sort of sob in the corner. We’ll try and be quiet for everyone else but god damn it’s annoying. While we’re wiping tears off our phones, we won’t look at Scott Pendlebury, since I mentioned him on the podcast he’s not scored well. Adam Treloar has his moments, and with an average of 105 against the Dees could be worth a punt on the big stage.
As for anyone else… nah.
PATCH’S TOP FIVE
5 – Luke Parker
4 – Robbie Gray
3 – Lance Franklin
2 – Any of Geelong’s mids
1 – Brodie Grundy