Come one, come all, to the Panic Room! We’re now officially into the do-or-die part of the season: the stakes haven’t been higher. There are no more second chances.

This is where saving those trades, dodging those injuries and your astute points of difference will make you or break you.

Godspeed community. We’re at the preliminary finals. Go get ‘em… assuming you don’t get a swift, solid kick to the nether regions by the news.

THE NEWS

Hans Moleman Productions presents a swift, solid kick to the nether regions.

Starting from the top: Lachie Neale will miss this week, and possibly the next, after being struck down by knee problems. While initially reported as a season-ending injury, Neale is expected to play next week.

For those that were here, queer, and didn’t want any more bears (one of my more obscure Simpsons references), Michael Hurley is missing with a calf complaint this week. I suspect if Tom J. Lynch had needed quelling this week he might have got up, but as he doesn’t Essendon have let Hurley miss.

Nic Newman has failed his fitness test this week, so leaves Sydney’s side at the expense of the returning Josh P. Kennedy, who may finally provide relief to those of us with a few million dollars on the pine in the midfield.

Bulldogs midfielder Mitch Wallis has been dropped. The Bulldogs confuse me. A lot.

In more good news, Zach Merrett returns from suspension, Alex Witherden is back for the Lions, and so is Nick Riewoldt.

If anyone has Jack Viney, firstly: why? Secondly, un-have Jack Viney ASAP because his foot is not doing the foot thing, which makes it hard to play football.

Geelong midfielder Mitch Duncan is back after spending a week in the sin bin, as is Shane Mumford. Going into the sin-bin in their place is Jack Redpath, who gave Phil Davis a tickle under the chin. It was also nice to see the Tribunal cracking down on fly kicking blokes in the face, suspending Toby Greene for three two one zero matches.

In “Back To The Future 4: Wait Really?”, Jaeger O’Meara and Harley Bennell return for brand new escapes, before they break back down with injury and are put in cotton wool for the next 12 months. Critics are calling it “Irrelevant to Supercoach” and “just another way for Patch to spice up the Panic Room, there’s no actual movie here so I’m not sure why I sat in a movie theatre for two hours…”

Hawthorn have ditched rookie duo Tiea Miles and the talented (but N deficient) Conor Glass. Please considering donating any unused N’s to Conor.

We have a whole bunch of debutants this week. WHYYYYYYYY???? THIS IS TERRIBLE. AWFUL. SAD. Although considering everything else that’s been happening this week, having some 2018 rookies at slightly elevated prices isn’t the end of the world, unlike the literal end of the world – the “fire and fury” that accompanied Zac Dawson’s retirement.

Anyway, we have Josh ‘Fridge’ Begley (that is his actual nickname, I’m not making this up), Josh ‘Bring Your Kid To Work Day’ Daicos, Todd ‘Ally’ Marshall, Jack ‘I Left The Ham In The Fridge Too Long And Now It’s” Graham and Ben “Mmmmmmkay” McKay will all play their first games.

(I know none of them are Rowan ‘My Boat’ Marshall, but I’m doing my best, okay?)

In basically irrelevant news, Pearce Hanley is back, retiring Carlton champion Dennis Armfield has been dropped (to James Brayshaw’s dismay), Josh Caddy is out for the year (remember when we were all going to start him?) and Tom Hickey has finally recovered from the towelling Bellchambers gave him a few weeks ago.

Anyway, despite the instability of this week’s team news, at least this isn’t the wrap up of Parliament’s team news, where we seem to have a half a dozen outs. Although that’s a really low bar to jump over to be fair.

THE PATCH UP

I’m putting up the one smokie this week because ain’t nobody got trades left. Besides, this smokie is slightly too smokie, because it’s David Zaharakis. I’d never suggest selecting Zacka for a full season, because contrary to all the evidence I don’t hate myself that much.

But, for a two week pinch-hitting role in your midfield, at 498k a bloke who loves the easier games with Fremantle and Gold Coast to come could be the lift you need to get over the line this year. Averaging 110 over his last 3 and 103 over his past 5, if you’re strapped for cash, he may be the way to go.

However with Tom Rockliff at 410k you’d be desperate – or stupid – to bring Zaharakis in.

HEY NOW, YOU’RE A DRAFT STAR

Well, I’m not, but the wonderful hoomans over in Higgo’s article are mind-bogglingly good at this thing. Fortunately, Fantasy Insider are mind-bogglingly fantastic, and have a lineup cruncher with oodles of statistics, and with their help, I’ve put together this lineup

ENTER THIS WEEK’S COMMUNITY CONTEST HERE (BIG $ POOL)

ENTER THE FREE ACADEMY CONTEST HERE

As Higgo mentioned in his stunning analytics yesterday, Freo’s defence will come under fire, and as such I’m venturing in with Lachie Weller and Griffin Logue as value options. Nat Fyfe and David Mundy are locked in to cover the absence of Lachie Neale.

I’m not a fan of going in with Soldo, but my mega-midfield doesn’t leave me with much choice – besides, The Nank and Sean Darcy hardly fill me with confidence anyway.

Who are you going in with, community?

CAPTAIN McCAPTAINFACE

Patrick Dangerfield VC.

Dustin Martin C.

Other options involve Rory Sloane at the Adelaide Oval tonight, however, I’d be cautious of Sloane getting a good work-over from the Swans, like they did with Jason Johanissen a while ago. Zachary Merrett against the Suns could be a good choice, and Matthew Kruezer against Big Boy could go very large indeed.

Otherwise, there’s also Tom Mitchell. Anyone else going with someone left-field this week?

GOOD LUCK this week, community. Tear them a new one in the do or die prelim finals, while I’ll tear old mate Throttlefinger apart in my Draft league final.