For the first season I can remember, I’ve been defeated.
Scrolling through my leagues, trying desperately hard not to look at Supercoach’s Home panel to see my current rank, I haven’t quite thrown the towel in yes. But as I look across at my hand, I see the towel slipping, weighed down by the weight of stupid trades and bad decisions, and I know whether I throw the stupid thing in or not is irrelevant.
The towel is done. I am done. Bottom of the ladder, sliding down the rankings. And I know thousands of you out there are feeling the same. So, this week on the Panic Room, we’re celebrating mediocrity. We’re here for the battlers and the losers, those that have just had a shocking year.
So scooch in children, nestle up to Mother Patch’s bosom, and tell me of your woes.
But first, the news.
Let’s get the (surprisingly boring and banal) news for the week out of the way.
First up – Paddy Cripps will miss the rest of the season after some drongo kicked his leg and it broke. Channel 7 played the vision some six hundred times from every angle, and safe to say it’s broken, it looks nasty and please for the love of god stop replaying it. Trade him, and the Channel 7 footy department.
The rest of the ‘bad’ news this week is a few rookies no-one has have been flicked. Geelong boys Wylie Buzza and Zac Guthrie have both been dropped, as has Carlton’s Harrison Macreadie and GWS’s Daniel Lloyd and Sam Reid. Oliver Florent has also been dropped. And… that’s about it. I’m very concerned and am advising everyone to hold onto your hats for next week.
In the good news column, the GOAT, Gary Ablett Jnr is back, although subject to a fitness test, and in joyous news for owners, Josh J Kennedy is ALIVE and BACK! Finally! For those who have held him for what feels like 3 years, he can gracefully slide into your forward lines and continue scoring 60s one week and 160s the next.
Additionally, the other Josh Kennedy, (of the Special K variety, pictured below) is back. Give him a big old smooch as he lines back up for us this week.
Down the road, the Butcher of Blacktown, Toby Greene, returns for the Giants this week after a prolonged absence, as do his partners in crime Zac Williams and Stevie J, while down at the Cattery tackling machine Scott Selwood returns.
If it’s somehow relevant to you, Bob Murphy is also back but I mean, like, really?
Stefan Martin owners rejoice. Archie Smith is out!
— The Phantom (@ThePhantomSC) July 13, 2017
Hugh Greenwood is back after his rest, and we’ve got a few more members of the Funny Names Club, with Josh ‘[generic war pun]’ Battle, Cam ‘Don’t Mess With The’ Zurhaar and Lewis *gasp* ‘My Name Isn’t Funny On It’s Own But When You Realise I’m The Youngest Player On An AFL List It Becomes Mildly Amusing’ Young *release breath* all debuting this week.
THE STITCH UP
Scootch in now, children. I said scootch! Something slightly different on the Patch Up this week, where instead of patching up our sides, we’re going to be looking at the dumbest trades and decisions we’ve made this year. As the benevolent overlord who somehow stormed to power in a bloodless coup guy who writes the thing, I’ll get the ball rolling.
I started with JPK, Priddis and Treloar over Pendlebury, Sloane and Zach Merrett.
I started with one premo in the forward line to accompany Nick Reiwoldt, who I traded out in round 2 and back in after his 170 in round 3, to endure 13 weeks with two tons. Accompanying him in the forward line were Shaun Higgins, Jarryd Roughead and a bunch of rookies. Mitch Hannan has been the most consistent member of my forward line this year and I only traded him out Last. Week.
I brought Tex Walker in at 480k, only to subsequently lose my cash, my points and my dignity.
I traded in Jarrod bloody Harbow to cover the byes only to trade him out two weeks later in disgust at his drink-driving suspension.
I traded Ben McEvoy in because I’m dumb.
I accidentally brought Jeremy Howe in instead of Taylor Adams.
I broke both Scott Pendlebury and The Bont by trading them in and having the arse fall out of them.
I was overseas for five weeks from rounds 3-8 and spend 6 trades too many completely ruining any chance of cash generation.
That’s the start, but I’m going to throw it to the community, who I asked to hit me up in the comments to the podcast. We cross live now to these screenshots directly below this text… which is exactly how live crosses work.
Both of these hurt, and although I love Higgo like the son I never had, Higgo’s comment hurts more because he’s ranked 1800th and I will never come close to achieving the mental capacity of that gigantic brain of his, at least it’s nice to know even he makes mistakes.
As someone who also didn’t start with Docherty, PREACH IT, Seeker. Kev has also hit a nail on the head with Nic Newman, who can go and get stuffed. Not only did I flick him from my classic side, I flicked him from a keeper league to avoid a donut only for him to score 151 and be on everyone’s radar for next week…
So hit us up in the comments community. Bring your fine vintages of bottled rage, your trapped angst, and let it all out. Let’s have a good old moan, because what is The Internet for if not for moaning about things?
THE PATCH UP
There are some of us who don’t have time for bitching and moaning, because there’s SUPERCOACH TO WIN! And I’m going to be looking at a head to head of two players I’ve been asked to compare endlessly this week: Joel Selwood and Dayne Zorko.
To the untrained Supercoacher, this may seem like an open and shut case – Selwood is 130k cheaper, a champion of the game and just the right option, yeah? I mean sure Zorko’s coming off a 196 but come on, man.
I mean Selwood’s averaging 113 if you take the knock to the head out and subsequent 3 of the equation, has eight scores of 120+ this year including two 150+, and has 3 more games at Skilled Stadium, where he averages 115. He’s only owned by 12% of teams and even though everyone’s bringing him in this week, you gotta too, right?
Well. Any other year, I’d agree with you, but 2017 is having none of your sh*t. Not even a little bit.
Zorko the Magnificent is averaging 116, including 127 over his last five games. He has 4 games left at the Gabba, where he averages 112, and plays Richmond, Carlton and West Coast (away) before storming home in Supercoach finals against the Dogs, Gold Coast, Melbourne and North.
I know you should trust SC gold projections as far as you can throw literal pieces of code (which is zero distance as you can’t, because they’re not physical things), but he’s not projected to drop below a 127 in his final seven games. The guy just scored 196 in a side that lost by 12 goals.
LOCK DAYNE ZORKO INTO YOUR SUPERCOACH SIDE ASAP
— Patch (@PatchToTheMax) July 13, 2017
Although I may have just jinxed him.
HEY NOW YOU’RE A DRAFTSTAR
You know what we won’t be moaning about? Daily Fantasy Footy. This week we’ve got the Dogs and – once again – Lekdog’s boys in Carlton.
The big decision here surrounds which – or how many – of Carlton’s Big 3 to select. The big three being Sam Docherty, Matt Kruezer and Kade Simpson, and with The Doch accounting for nearly 20% of the starting 100k budget, that’s not an easy question.
As many did in Higgo’s post yesterday, I agree that Kruezer is a lock in a Bulldogs side without a recognised ruckman.
As for the other two… Docherty is just too expensive. I know he’ll score 130, but it leaves everywhere else to weak for mine. And as Kev pointed out in the comments yesterday, Simpson is a chance to get just as much of the ball at a discounted price.
“Freako noted on Twitter that Doch went into the middle when Cripps went down. Depends who the Blues bring in for Cripps, if they don’t go like for like and Doch finds himself in the middle again, Simmo will see a bunch of the footy down back”
So without further fluffing about, here is how the Potatoes will line up for the weekend:
TWO DRAFTSTARS ACADEMY OPPORTUNITIES THIS WEEK:
1st – $100, 2nd – $50, 3rd – $30, 4th – 35th – $10
Limited entries – so get in quick sticks! Click here to catch up on Higgo’s Draftstars genius so far
This segment is almost pointless now. I may as well copy and paste ‘chuck it on Danger’ every week. It’s boring. It’s stupid. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME, PATRICK. Stop being so damn good, you bastard.
So, stick the VC on Paddy Dangerfield. Hell, stick the C on him and be done with it. He is averaging 160 over his last five games. 168 over his past 3. I mean what do you say to that? “Stick the C on JPK?” Righto then. Yeah. I’ll do that.
There’s absolutely no point to pointing out how good Dayne Zorko’s form is, and how he’s worthy of the C this week. Zach Merrett’s potential don’t mean squat in the scheme of captaincy. Tom Mitchell doesn’t even get a ring in because he’s playing the Cats. Who cares if Sam Docherty is in career-best form and producing scores not seen in a defender since Brett Deledio’s heyday? NONE OF IT MATTERS.
Stick the C on Danger, sit in front of the couch with something warm, alcoholic and bitter and watch Dangerfield collect 58 possessions, kick 12 goals and lay 23 tackles on his way to 254 supercoach points and Charlie #2 and hate what this game has done to you.
What are you thinking, community? Who are you locking into your Draftstars side? Do you prefer Joel or Zorks – or maybe even Tommy Mitchell? Which one of them gets the C? And what have your worst trades of the year been?
See you in the comments!
Twitter : @PatchToTheMax