This is a significant round of football. We get to celebrate one of the greatest players the game has ever seen.

He has been an incredible footballer, and from a fantasy perspective none even come close to what this man has achieved over such a long, long period of time. Some call him the GOAT.

I speak of course of the return of Shaun McKernan to Essendon’s lineup. Having been held back by Woosha under the lesser known ‘Mercy Rule’ of the AFL, which was quietly scrapped two weeks ago to facilitate the return of Liam Jones, McKernan is now free to continue his reign as the best footballer of all time.

God forbid he match up on Liam Jones in round 20 or the whole universe might explode.

Also some bald bloke who sort of looks like the community’s own Chicko is playing his 300th game 

THE NEWS

God is dead. Well, for a week. Gary Ablett has been withdrawn from Gold Coast’s squad to take on St Kilda after failing a fitness test this morning. The official word is his calf, but I’ve been on the phone shouting at whoever will listen and there’s a conspiracy afoot. I don’t know what it is, but I’ll be shouting at clouds until I can figure out what it is.

As mentioned, the biggest news of the week is Shaun McKernan’s return from the wilderness of Tullamarine. He comes in for the injured Cale Hooker.

On the bubble $277,500 scores of 92 and 97 in Rounds 1 & 2 #supercoach https://t.co/otWzOTiXvN

— AlexieLekdogBeovich (@LekBlog) June 22, 2017

He’ll probably be straight back out, mind you. Otherwise it just wouldn’t be fair to everyone else. We have a new rookie this week, with Brisbane confirming 117k DEF/MID prospect Alex Witherden will line up against the Giants. What they haven’t confirmed is he’ll pique our interest, we’ll bring him in and they’ll drop him after 4 games – like every other bloody rookie this year.

ISN’T THAT RIGHT, FAGAN?! HUH? YOU’RE TOYING WITH US, YOU BASTARD. NO ROOKIES AND NO CASH GENERATION MAKE PATCH GO SOMETHING SOMETHING.

Panic? DON’T MIND IF I DO! I just have a lot of emotions, okay? Be professional, Patch. Be professional. Let’s just look at the rest of the team lists and remain ca-SWEET JESUS. This is bad.

Aaron Sandilands is still missing, although how anyone 27 foot tall can go missing is beyond me. Josh J. Kennedy is still missing. Jack Steele is still in the VFL. The Nank is a chance to miss with a calf injury, with Richmond naming Oleg Markov and Ivan Maric on an extended bench. Jarrod Witts is also under an injury cloud, as is GWS’ Josh Kelly. 

As you would have noticed, WE HAVE NO ROOKIES. James Cousins was dropped. David Myers was dropped. Matt Scharenberg was dropped. Harry Perryman was given a gold star and a pat on the head. I’m kidding, he was dropped. Dropped, dropped, DROPPED, like sacks of bloody potatoes.

Zak Jones: suspended. Out for a week. Michael Barlow snapped his leg in half and will miss. Aaron Hall didn’t snap his leg in half, but it’s a bit sore so he’s not playing. Nathan Jones is missing. Jack Watts is missing.

Carlton have threatened to bring back Jarrod Pickett by putting him on the extended bench, just when we need him to be a big, fat donut so that we can get Hugh Greenwood’s 127 onfield. In the Yellow Corner, Richmond have threatened to drop Shai Bolton by putting him in the exact same place – the Sunday bench. Majak Daw has returned, because we didn’t want Todd Goldstein to score well anyway.

But it’s all okay, because Scott Selwood has been named on an extended bench, Jarrod Harbow returns and BIG MAX GAWN is back. So everything is just motherflipping peachy. It’s all fine. Cancel the panic.  

1:30PM EDIT: wait no never mind Nat Fyfe is a late out start panicking again everyone kk thnx byeeeeeee

THE PATCH UP

There is no patching up to do because everything is peachy. Isn’t that right, News Section? HUH? Stick your head in the sand and pretend it’s all fine? What are you, a politician? You disgust me. So if everything’s fine, let’s take some teams for a test drive, shall we? See how they handle.

If your ship is about to crash into a forest, Lek’s cheat sheet will help you out. If you need downgrades, Barron is da real mvp – almost as real as the GOAT the intro fluffed on about. YOU’RE NOT EVEN A REAL SEGMENT, INTRO. I don’t even know why I’m a segment anyway. Because everything I do, Lek or Barron do better. That’s before we even mention the podcast. I’m just a shoehorned pun that Patch likes too much to let go. Besides, with Thursday footy everyone’s done their bloody trades anyway. Which leaves the inevitable poor soul who forgot there’s a Thursday game with bastards like Tom Mitchell and Rory Sloane still on their bench, waiting for trades that will never come.

This segment is a mess. Get outta here. Scram, kid. Go home. There’s nothing to be done to fix teams here. Try the comments. *door slamming*

HEY NOW, YOU’RE A DRAFT STAR

Let’s get this trainwreck of a Panic Room back on track, shall we? Take a break from the craziness of Supercoach and slide into a nice, relaxing, one-off game of DraftStars. Here’s the side I’m going in with:

ENTER THIS WEEK’S CONTEST HERE

I’ve had two correct strategies over the past two weeks, but the strategy has come in the wrong week, so I’ve been left stranded. This week, I’m trying not to put too much into a strategy and picking everything I can. You’ll notice I’m missing the three biggest averaging players in the game – Sam Docherty, Dusty Martin and Bryce Gibbs.

After the past three weeks, I’m wagering Docherty and Gibbs are going to receive a lot of attention from the Tiges, which might let my substitute Premo Lite selections of Kade Simpson and Marc Murphy off the chain. I couldn’t afford Dusty, simple as that, and prefer Kreuzer over Nank by the length of the Flemington Staight, especially with Nank underdone.

My prediction is the winning side will not have Toby Nankervis in it. I’m backing Dan Rioli, Shaun Edwards and Kane Lambert to have strong weeks in front of the sticks, on gut if nothing else. What’s your side looking like this week, community?

ENTER THIS WEEK’S CONTEST HERE

EVERYTHING’S DIGGING UP MILHOUSE

Not too much to see in the breakevens this week (aside from the GOAT with a -26 BE), but Max Gawn can finally finally be struck back down into the list, and we keep an eye on his price with an idea to move to him in a few weeks – I wouldn’t go Sandi to him this week, mind you.

Everything’s Coming Up Milhouse

-55 – Luke Ryan

-35 – Callum Brown

-29 – Declan Mountford

-26 – Shaun McKernan

0 – Shai Bolton

1 – Hugh Greenwood

7 – Jack Silvagni

8 – Lewis Melican

9 – Brennan Cox

18 – James Parsons

Dig Up, Stupid

212 – Max Gawn

194 – Rory Sloane

191 – Tom Rockliff

189 – Charlie Dixon

169 – Dan Hannebery

148 – Jason Johanissen

143 – Taylor Swift Adams

CAPTAIN McCAPTAINFACE

Hopefully you either put the VC on Hugh Greenwood (127) or Matt Crouch (131) last night or didn’t use it at all, as everyone was tripe. Especially Tex Walker, who I put the VC on for lolz. It’s been nearly 12 hours and I am yet to so much as smirk at my decision. Why do I do this to myself?

I traded Nat Fyfe to Scott Selwood this week.

Supercoach is now just an outlet for my self loathing

— Patch (@PatchToTheMax) June 15, 2017

The obvious move this week is to give Paddy Dangerfield the captaincy, which hopefully everyone is doing (although I do love Joel Selwood down at the Cattery if you want to be different), but there is a beautiful bald bonce playing his 300th game throwing a spanner in the works.

As much as I love Gary Ablett, I’d still go Dangerfield for the captaincy despite the sentimentality. Ablett only averages 112 against the Saints, compared to mid-120s or 130s against most sides. As for the VC – JPK and Merrett are the two candidates to watch tonight in Sydney, with Merrett just edging JPK out on 2017 form.

If you’re looking for a Saturday game, Scott Pendlebury is your man. He averages 112 both at the G and against Port, and while you wouldn’t take that from Gary in a head-to-head against Danger, there’s not too much else on offer.

Sam Docherty and Dustin Martin both play Sunday alongside Danger, The Bont is out of form, as is Tommy Rockliff, and not a huge lot else interests me. Maybe Luke Shuey if you’re feeling dicey? I dunno, man. I just dunno.

THAT’S ABOUT IT FROM ME, COMMUNITY.

Two final things before I go. First is as I’ll be at work most of today and won’t get to many comments: Sandilands is still missing and we’ve not heard when he’s due back, similarly JJK has been confirmed out until round 16. Both of those can go if you have the trades, as far as I’m concerned. I’d hold Nank unless you’re at full premo and have 8+ trades left.

Secondly is to sign up to DraftStars and to get down to your local for some CoachKings. Just do it. It’s better than agonising over stupid, stupid trades and the inability of anyone to play their bloody rookies.

I can feel my blood beginning to boil again – I better go. Best of luck this weekend community, in whatever format you frequent! Patch

 Twitter : @PatchToTheMax