Kayle Kirby SuperCoachFat bastards can get drafted.

by Pieman

Just about every draft that Derek Hine (Collingwood recruiting chief) goes to, he makes a ballsy pick. The best one without doubt was plucking a basketballer with a very limited footballing background called Scott Pendlebury.

At the previous draft the only one that hasn’t played yet was Brayden Sier. He used pick 32 on a bloke he’d only seen playing schoolboy footy. He didn’t play in the TAC cup & most of the other recruiters had never heard of him. We haven’t seen him yet due to injury, but he must be good.

But in this draft he took his ballsy pick into a new stratosphere.

At pick 50 he took Kayle Kirby. Who the F is that I said?

So within moments of him being selected I started looking into Kirby. The same thing kept coming up again & again. Fat, overweight, lazy but freakishly talented. I started to question Derek & what was he smoking when he picked this bloke. I wondered if he too had spent too much time with Buckley & was finally off his dial.

He was listed as 181cm & 96 kgs! An apparent turtle & hamburger munching champion. I was horrified.

I completely cast him aside until recently. Why did Derek Hine pick Fatso? So I went digging.

There was a reason. If draft picks were made on talent only based selections, then Fatso would have been one of the first picked. But what comes with him makes him the riskiest pick from the draft by some considerable distance. The likelihood of this backfiring is off the charts.

What can’t be denied is Fatso is a fair dinkum goal kicking MACHINE!

Kayle Kirby

Estimated SC Av for 2017: Can’t tell with this bloke
2017 Price:   $117,300
2017 Position:   FWD only
Age:   18
 2016 VFL SC AVG:   83
Recent history:   Bendigo Pioneers u18 TAC Cup: 13 games, 32 goals @ 2.46 per game Richmond VFL: 2 games, 9 goals @ 4.5 per game
Height:   181cm
Weight:   Pies have him at 89kgs now. If that’s the case he’s dropped 7kgs so far (I’m dubious on that


So collectively he averaged a tick under 3 goals a game for the whole year.

I’ve had a look at his tapes. He is deadly accurate with his feet. And he knows where the goals are. He could kick goals blind folded. He can tackle well & he’s the quickest fat bloke I’ve ever seen. He also has great sense & knows where to be. He absolutely oozes talent & class from his eyeballs…..


Draft night for the Kirby’s was interesting. Most families of prospective draftees have at home draft party with friends & family.

Not the Kirby’s!

They were all down at the pub. Whilst Kayle, his brother & a mate were anxiously watching the draft in the sports bar, the rest of his family were too busy tossing coins into the pokies.

When Fatso saw he had been picked by Collingwood he ran into the pokies to inform his family. They briefly stopped to offer congratulations, told him to go & buy himself a drink & resumed slot jockey positions. Poor bloke didn’t even get a shouted a beer.

So. All of a sudden the riddle of how Kirby got so fat in the first place became perfectly clear. He certainly does not come from a house of discipline. In fact his family has a rather “interesting” history. I’ll just leave that right there.

Here’s Fatso training at the Holden Centre


Fatso played for the Bendigo Pioneers in the under 18’s TAC cup. He enjoyed a stellar season booting 32 goals from 13 matches. He was the 4th highest goal kicker in the TAC cup in 2016. With 2 games to go in the home & away season the Richmond Tigers VFL team were desperate for wins to make the finals. They activated the 23rd man rule & called up Fatso for a cameo.

His debut game was sensational. At half time the Tigers were in trouble. The Zebras were dominating. Fatso provided a spark. He booted 3 3rd quarter goals to get them back in the game. Then coach Craig McRae decided to isolate him in the forward 50 in the last quarter. He kicked the only 2 goals of the last quarter & won the game.

They needed to win the last match & have results go their way to play finals. Fatso played his part. He backed it up with another 4 goal haul in a comfortable win. But it wasn’t enough to get the Tigers into the finals. They finished 9th BAHAHAHAHA

Fatso went to the draft combine to do testing. He shouldn’t have bothered. His results were terrible. My mail is he ate a hamburger during the beep test. His results were burnt & buried.


Fatso will not be playing for the Pies round 1 side. He’d need heaps of injures & loads of lean cuisine. There will be too many ahead of him early on. But if he can find a way to get into some reasonable condition & he keeps kicking bags then he might well loom as a downgrade option at some point in the season. The Pies have a history of giving the draft picks a crack at some point the following season (if there fit).


Geez. Where do you start. First of all it was a MASSIVE risk to pick him in the first place. He’d struggle to beat Joffa in a beep test & his family isn’t the Brady bunch. It seems that sometimes the baggage that comes with these brilliant indigenous talents is too much. When things go pear shaped with these lads it’s always family related. This could easily turn to disaster.


  • Goal Kicking Machine
  • Extreme X Factor
  • Match winner
  • Great hands
  • Could kick goals blind folded


  • He’s fat
  • His family concerns me A LOT!!!


The answer as to why Derek Hine picked this man is clear. If the bloke can kick so many goals as a fat bastard, then what is he capable of if he’s fit. It’s a risk worth taking but I don’t like the odds of it paying off.

I’ve been trying to find some info from the Pies about his progress this preseason. Since the story of how his family celebrated his draft night broke not a word has been written on him. But they haven’t mentioned much about any of the new draftees except for Callum Brown.

If the stars align then boy he could be a decent downgrade option later on. The Pies do like to play the kids. Last season they blooded Ben Crocker Tom Phillips & Rupert Wills who were all serviceable. I expect all of Sam McLarty Callum Brown & Kayle Kirby (if he’s fit) to get an opportunity at some point. Josh Daicos I’d consider unlikely in 2017, he’s got the opposite problem to Fatso.

Put Fatso on the watchlist. You can’t miss him



Jock Reynolds Coach KingsThis article has been penned as part of the Jock Reynolds Community Series, where anyone from within our proud community can have their say in front of their peers. These men and women have displayed the spirit of togetherness, positivity and community that we value significantly.

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General Soreness · 31/01/2017 at 09:42

Hahahahaha ripping write up Pieman. Kirby a big fat No for me! well lets just say unlikely, the rollercoasters are reserved for theme parks.

    I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 09:50

    Cheers General. This article was going to be on Callum Brown until news broke last night that he has been diagnosed with glandular fever & his preseason has been derailed. Still it was fun looking into Fatso

il Mascalzone · 31/01/2017 at 09:47

I've been reading fantasy articles for years now and never commented, but that sir, is the finest piece of AFL Fantasy Profile writing in history. And I also really hope this bloke fulfils his potential.

    I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 09:56

    Thanks for your kind words. I really hope he fulfils his potential as well. He could be anything

Luskin Star · 31/01/2017 at 09:56

Great yarn. Given that he wont play unless he loses weight he is almost a must if selected at any stage

    I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 10:06

    Cheers Luskin. I expect him to be an option later on IF he falls into line

throttlefinger · 31/01/2017 at 10:13

Given his background, think Fatso is a bit rough. Excellent article, my man. On the watchlist for preseason and see what magic he can do at the next level.

    I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 10:22

    Thanks throts. I'm hoping they "role" him out for some preseason games. He's fun to watch

TRIGGER HAPPY · 31/01/2017 at 10:42

Funny stuff INP. wasn't he in a movie with Austin Powers?
Sounds like he has talent up the warzoo. If the pies can whip him into shape will consider as a downgrade down the track.
As he goes alright on the tooth fitting he ended up at the pies.
Brown was penciled in for a rook early start but scratch him off. I've had glandular fever and it really knocks the stuffing out of you, you r just so tired and sleep all the time.

It takes a long time to recuperate so wouldn't expect to see him until at least Rd 8. At that time might be a handy cash cow exchange

    I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 10:55

    The Pies saying they expect to have Brown back in a week or 2 is a bit far fetched for me. Such a shame as he was really turning heads all preseason. I'd suggest his early game chances are gone. But as you say he could emerge as a downgrade option later & Browns DPP is handy. And Fatso could emerge later as well

Nick Wealands · 31/01/2017 at 11:42

Dunno if Kirbs is cut out for the AFL gig. He has a lot of work to do as well as some likely family and personality issues that may arise due to the back story. There's a diamond in the rough and then there's clutching at straws.
I think he's the latter

    I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 12:14

    Agree Nick. No doubt the talent is there but the commitment required might be beyond him

Blake · 31/01/2017 at 14:03

Thoughts on O'Meara?

    Kev · 31/01/2017 at 15:19

    You don't average 97 in your second year without being a gun!

    Won't be ready until round 4 according to reports, so we'll get a look at him before deciding whether or not to jump on.

I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 14:14

Thoughts on Shuey and Wingard

    Kev · 31/01/2017 at 15:27

    Did a write up on Shuey, Pieman. Upgrade target. He's been better post bye for the past 2 seasons. Giles factor as well, I don't rate him at all

      I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 15:31

      I didn't write that Kev. Someone using my alias on various threads. Neither Shuey or Wingard interest me in the slightest anyway

I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 14:17

I would consider locking in Paddy Ryder in the forward due to few premium forwards

    TRIGGER HAPPY · 31/01/2017 at 14:40

    He's the one player who I am unsure on. In my team at the moment but unsure what impact a year out of the game will do.

    Currently have Ryder & two cheap rooks.

    Thought about:
    1. Straight trade to Beams/Murphy rook on ground in fwd line.

    2. Trade down to Riley and bring in McGrath and bowes.

    3. Shaw to Adams – Ryder to mccrae.

    Do we need insurance for Sandi?

    Just the one bloke who i have queries on.

      I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 15:22

      I didn't write the last 2 comments Trig. Someone is using my alias. For what it's worth I think Sandi 100% requires cover

Joestar · 31/01/2017 at 15:42

I'm getting good mail Kirbs is working extra hard on his day off.Will definitely consider if selected

    I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 16:31

    Good to know he's applying himself. I might go have a look at him at the intra club next week

    Kirbzz · 02/02/2017 at 11:16

    Joe, he is working very hard on his fitness.
    I'm his older brother and all I can say no one knows shit about Kayle or this family.
    so Pieman needs to actually meet our family instead of making assumptions.

      I N Pieman · 02/02/2017 at 15:50

      I'm wrapt to hear he's working hard on his fitness Kirbzz. There is a lot of stuff floating around social media about him eating hamburgers before training. I hope that's not the case. As I said I've seen enough to realise the talent he has. Seriously hope he makes it, he's fantastic to watch. Hope he takes a leaf from Willie Rioli's book. He turned himself around & really looks the goods. Good luck to Kayle & the Kirby family

Scop · 31/01/2017 at 16:10


Stirlsy · 31/01/2017 at 16:54

Classical write up Pieman ( I'm still laughing)

Being a Pie follower myself I hope this guy stacks up for us, Sounds like he has the goods and all he might need is the right mentor to get his head right into the AFL way of things. If he fires early either in JLT games or the 2s early in season id expect we might play him Anzac day, seems we like to play a newbe in that game.

    I N Pieman · 31/01/2017 at 17:01

    Glad you enjoyed it Stirlsy. Imagine Fatso being let off the chain on Anzac Day. Don't rule it out. But I was thinking he might need till mid season to get into good enough condition

Scouser · 31/01/2017 at 22:51

Biggest no of all the pre-season for me INP but by far the funniest write-up, and there's been a few, fantastic work.

    I N Pieman · 01/02/2017 at 10:21

    Cheers Scouser!

itsasecret · 02/02/2017 at 11:21

LOL what a bunch of Idiots.

Derek · 10/02/2017 at 09:37

for some reason i missed this article earlier. i'm glad i found it now. Gold Gold Gold.

PhillyBuster · 10/02/2017 at 12:56

Funny stuff Pieman. Of course you will now be able to claim him as "your man" when inevitably he makes an appearance. Hine is a magician, so go with him I say.

Tiger · 04/03/2017 at 19:35

Saw him play last year, absolute gun, was hoping he end up at the tigers, goal sense going at crazy levels!!

Bec Kirby · 05/03/2017 at 19:11

Maybe if you are going to talk about the Kirby family you should research us. kayle's brother & I are very successful people as are our children so why do you not find something positive in your life and focus on it xx

A Lane · 10/03/2017 at 12:13

Well said Bec give the boy a break and his family judge him on his performance , playing in the afl is not easy

Comments are closed.