THE PANIC ROOM – Round 5
There’s something to be said for toilet humour.
It’s a nice little reminder that we were once ten years old, without a care in the world, where could be knocked over in fits of laughter by the mere mention of the word “poo”.
Life can be a cruel mistress sometimes, and often toilet humour, in it’s beautiful and nostalgic and silly way, makes it a nicer place.
This is one of the reasons I love Steele Sidebottom. Though I know he will be sick to death of it, a small part of me giggles inside whenever I hear his name. It’s stupid and foolish but I mean I’m 12 years old at heart.
However, the Sidebum took it too far this weekend. Not content with having a mildly amusing last name, old mate Steele decided to draw us a picture with his heat map.
True artwork. They should hang it in the National Gallery of Victoria amongst other giggle-worthy football paraphernalia, like Fremantle’s premiership window, a rare Collingwood supporter’s tooth and that machine they used to reanimate Charlie Dixon.
Anyway, I hear you say, is that all you have to say? Come along, don’t be a goose, you sound just like that Dr Zuess! Come on son, you have to strive to give us the news about round five!
Poetic frivolities and toilet gags aside, football rolls on. Christian Petracca is a chance to make his debut, named on an extended bench for Melbourne. Word is he will only be an emergency, but this is indeed promising news. Jayden Hunt joins him on that extended bench, as does Ben Kennedy, which is a bit scary.
Furthermore, we see the return of George Hewett and Lincoln McCarthy to go alongside the debuts of Mason Cox and Daniel Currie (who has played at AFL level, but it’s his first game for the Suns). Sam Grimely has been named on Essendon’s extended bench, but I feel he’ll be culled before ANZAC day.
Sydney goalsneak Tom Papley also survived at the selection table, which is great news due to his easy run of games after this week, but Wayne Milera is out with a quad for the next fortnight, allowing replacement Charlie Cameron a chance to cement that spot.
Rolled gold returns this week, as Josh Gibson, Matt Priddis and Tom Rockliff are all named for their respective sides. For those with points of difference in Devon Smith and Corey Enright, they also return.
Speaking of rolled gold, it’s the time of year Brett Deledio remembers he’s a professional footballer, and part of that job involves actually playing AFL football. He’s been named to face the Lions, as have Ivan Maric and Anthony Miles.
Stefan Martin has been named to play following Steven May’s huge hit on him last weekend. May will miss five games for the terrifying, but admittedly impressive ability to knock a 200cm, 100kg man running at full flight deep into the surface of the Gabba.
Suns playmaker Trent McKenzie has reinflated his nose and is right to play the Roos on Saturday. However, Dion Prestia is out with illness, which might allow Jesse Longergan to score us some goddam points. If he can’t do it now, will he do it? Callum Sinclair returns. Eagles ruckman Scott Lycett is also suspended this week.
And, of course, Jason Johanissen did his hamstring kicking a monster goal from 55 out on the weekend, and needs to be traded.
THE TALKING POINT
Jason Johanissen has gone down for ten weeks following his blistering start to the season, causing tears of anguish down at the kennel, and, more importantly for us, in our eyes. Special mention to those who traded him in last week – which is a lot of people. I feel your pain.
But, he’s got to go. But to whom? There was a lot of debate surrounding this on the podcast, and I firmly believe we have to trade him to another rolled gold premium. He was looking to be a top 6 defender, and I’m replacing him with someone I believe will be a top 6 defender, Lekdog’s man Sam Docherty. Giant playmaker Heath Shaw will undoubtedly be the number one defender this year, and is now over 50k cheaper than he was at the start of the year. However, with a breakeven of 130, I’m waiting on him for another week or two. Alex Rance also showed why he’s held in such high regard, busting out a 140 last week and one of the more solid trades you could make. Honourable mentions to Bachar Houli and Kade Simpsons, who I put just below those three.
[Cheers to James for picking me up on this; I glossed over Rory Laird who should also be one of the top 6 defenders this year, and looks top notch.]
If you’re strapped for cash, I really like what we’ve seen from Daniel Rich this year. I know a few Rich owners have traded him out after he was tagged to death and playing while injured and sick against North. I reckon he’ll bounce back, and should make a top 10 defender. Still around 400k, he’s looking a better option than Shannon Hurn (who I have). If you’re really strapped for cash, Orazio Fantasia has three 90+ scores from three games and looks comfortable across half-back. Buyer beware, but bargain in the making at 400k.
Otherwsie, if you want to build the war chest and have the cover, Darcy Byrne-Jones or Ciaran Byrne are the two blokes you should be targeting. Tom ‘Rugmuncher’ Ruggles, while having a very amusing name, doesn’t have great job security, and I don’t like the volatility of Melbourne’s rookie selections, so would avoid Josh Wagner.
A collection of numbers that decide if numbers players score on the weekend makes their overall number go up or down. It’s a whole lotta numbers that sometimes don’t make a whole lotta sense, but small number = good for making do$h, big number = they’ll sink.
-85 – Darcy Bryne-Jones
-61 – Ciaran Byrne
-57 – Tom Ruggles
-51 – Josh Wagner
-48 – Lincoln McCarthy
-36 – Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti
-8 – Mitch McGovern
-6 – Jacob Weitering
2 – Michael Hartley
9 – Marcus Adams
16 – Darcy Parish
16 – Sam Kerridge
20 – Callum Mills
29 – George Hewitt
56 – Ben Kennedy
62 – Tom Papley
199 – Luke Hodge
177 – Chad Wingard
163 – Matt Priddis
157 – Stefan Martin
155 – Dustin Martin
153 – Robbie Gray
136 – Scott Pendlebury
127 – Gary Ablett
124 – Heath Shaw
119 – Sam Gray
118 – Oliver Wines
104 – Daniel Rich
Todd Goldstein is the obvious choice for VC this weekend, as he comes up against his old protégé in Daniel Currie, who will be rucking solo against him at Metricon. Matt Priddis loves a contested game, and that’s exactly what he’ll get against the Swans. Patrick Dangerfield might also be worth a look, if you can trust him after two very un-captaincy like scores in four weeks from him.
For captaincy choices, I’d look to Callan Ward against the Saints and Nat Fyfe against the Blues. I expect both of these blokes to rip it up against weaker sides.
My smokie this week is Josh Gibson. Back off a rest, floating in and out of the Adelaide forward line, could do a huge amount of damage. If I had him, I’d be chucking the VC squarely on him.
That’s it from me, community! Good luck this week, and remember to check out Lek’s cheat sheet and Barron’s rookie report to get the full overview of fantasy footy analysis for this week. Also, make sure you get down and give CoachKings a shot. I mean who could turn down a shot at ONE THOUSAND DOLLARYDOOS!?
Just pretend I photoshopped it, okay? Anyway, good luck, community! Would love to hear your trades, your captaincy moves, and how you’re faring overall!
See you in the comments!
6.00 Edit – Sunday teams have been announced and Christian Petracca has NOT been selected, however, Ben Kennedy is safe. If you were sucked in by Lekdog and have Nick Graham, he’s been dropped, and Darcy Tucker is in for the Dockers. Jacob Hopper has been named as an emergency.
And pocket-sized Bulldog Caleb Daniel will miss this week’s game!